Chasing Happiness or Paradox of Happiness

I don't think any of us actually want to be happy. Definitely not all the time.

Here is why I think of this. Bear with me.

When I listen to myself and to others around me, I've noticed that we all are happy about some events in our life, about some amazing people but just never fully happy. Because we have placed our happiness after a "when" or an "if". You have an image that is not this moment but an imaginary moment taking place in a distant, probable future.

You are never as happy as you can be. You are just waiting for the next thing. Once you do achieve that "thing", the happiness should, technically, last forever right? But has it? We work hard, sacrifice much, go through tough times but we are happy for a few moments. How? Why? That makes very little sense to me.

Who said that a happy "you" "now" will become complacent? Why do we need to not be happy now so we can run towards happiness, only to repeat this again? If the most crucial goal is to be happy, eventually, then why are we not choosing the path where we are happy for longer durations of our lives? Why, instead, do we select months of worry, suffering, sadness, just to experience a side hug from happiness?

On top of this, when we do actually get happy and are enjoying ourselves, we then start to worry about its departure. We cannot comprehend to live a thoroughly happy life either. That is even scarier - a life that has nothing but happiness. Then, what is this chase about?

We must be chasing something else. We are more willing to suffer for our life, for our goals, for our desires. We are willing to go through darkness by putting the happiness in a gamble. What is it?

Do we love the "unknowing of being happy?"

Do we love worrying? No.

Do we love suffering? No. It does keep us alive.

Do we love finding? I don't know. Do we love having an illusion of happiness?

Do we love nothing but the chase or an idea of it? Is that it? Are we just stupid? Maybe, I'll be happy if I know the answer. Damnit.